Home, sweet...

Stepping outside at Gatwick airport my parents were shivering in minus 2; I was peeling off layers. A wave of noise, and light came over me. The air felt thick with pollution. Driving back home, my neighbourhood, which I've always thought of as quite leafy, struck me as crowded and cramped. The next day I was almost run over cycling into town (yes, I was on the wrong side of the road....) One week later and I'm still trying to adjust to life back in England, and trying to remind myself that there aren't any horses to feed, no puppies to cuddle, and that when I step outside I can leave the thermals behind as my breath isn't going to instantly freeze to my scarf and form icicles.

Visiting friends at my university in Durham has helped me adjust, but given me a disturbing feeling of deja vu. Nothing here seems to have changed, and I feel that I have regressed 6 months to my final term at university. Regression can be a wonderful thing in many ways; I have fallen back into old friendships and university life; we've had crazy nights out fuelled by Finnish vodka. I've given them Norwegian brown cheese to try, and hot Finnish spiced drink to taste (Glögi!) and yesterday me and friend found ourselves jamming in the bar only to have the porter come in and request 'Blowing in the Wind' from which we discovered he had very impressive tenor voice. But in such a regression other feelings and relationships have emerged under their layer of Scandinavian experiences, and I have found I was wishing not for a regression but signs of a progression that unfortunately hasn't happened in some areas.

I'm viewing South America now with much more apprehension. I was insanely lucky with my placement in Finland; but I think regardless of that luck, Scandinavia was a place where I felt comfortable and at home. South America will be somewhere of countless contrasts. Quite aside from the obvious (the climate) I will be travelling from places of endless lakes and forests, clean living and clean energy, to slums and sprawling cities. (Amidst stunning beaches, mountains and rainforests I'm sure..!) Norway is among the richest countries in the world (per capita): most countries in South America are among the poorest. I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to respond to the continent. But I guess we can only wait and see.

What is perhaps a more worrying notion is the thought that after my year of travelling I will working in Canary Wharf, London, for a corporate machine. Do I really want to work and live in a huge city? Joining the daily crush of people on the tube? Working in an office, breathing in air thick with car and bus fumes? Undoubtedly not, but I simultaneously understand how lucky I am to have a graduate job in this current climate, whilst many other university graduates are finding themselves twiddling their thumbs at home, or ecstatic to have been moved from a part time to a full time job at Starbucks.
My job is working in the Forensics section of KPMG, so will be dealing with fraud and anti- money laundering (ie: fighting fraud rather looking for ways for companies to avoid paying tax) which really doesn't sound as dull as audit or tax, and I didn't hate the internship I did with them. I will also have lots of university friends moving into London, I have two amazing friends who want to live with me, and I could see myself enjoying the buzz and excitement of the city.

The idea of jumping from workaway project to workaway project is a tempting, but romantic one. Whilst money would not be a major issue as I could jump from temporary jobs to free projects, I think I would crave some kind of stability. And whilst I loved my life in Finland, and the physical activity of working on the farm, I'm not sure if I could have stayed there for years and years without missing some intellectual stimulation; I would have felt I was not using my full capacity. And regardless of everything, to travel to South America I am borrowing some money from my parents, which is something they only allowed me to do because I had a job to come back to, and the means of paying them back. The option of giving up my job is seeming more impossible my second.

I'm trying now to view my job as not me selling out to them, but a way of me taking their money, allowing them to pay for my exams and qualifications, giving me the experience I need of business and corporations and then, just as they have invested into me, getting the hell out of there. Taking the ACA, taking the knowledge of accounts and businesses, and doing something in a field that I actually care about, like conservation. Setting up my own charity, or my own business. Perhaps moving to Scandinavia, or anywhere in the world, as having the ACA I would be a 'skilled professional' which, along with a British passport, gives me a route to anywhere I might like. Can I get through that 3 years though? And should I feel I have to? And am I just saying all this to try and convince myself as it's an easy option? I don't know. Comments help and advice are more than welcome.